Last Night
As jokes go it’s probably not the most amusing. But it’s the retelling of this joke that makes it riotous.
Pete is a solid Tom Cruise height Englishman with a fuzz on his dome and character on his face, and although he’s been in this country for close to half his life, which he’s come to realize, after serious introspection, means “fuck all”, he’s still the owner of a cockney accent. “So there’s this small geezer,” He side-eyes Andy, a tall bloke who has had a long day of “puff”, who cuts into his story. “He wasn’t small when I told the joke. He likes to take his own liberties Vinnie.” Pete laughs with a tiny gruff in his voice and continues. “So there’s this small geezer,” he reiterates, “and he’s new to prison and likes to keep to himself.” Andy laughs in a razzing way that only a childhood friend could, “He likes to keep to himself now, does he?” Pete chuckles through the comment, knowing that he’s magnifying the anecdote through his own imagination. “So one day he’s sitting in his cell and the guard yells in ‘Johnny we gots you a new celly’” What the fuck is a “celly”?” Andy interjects. Pete and I answer in debauched unison. “It’s like a cell mate.” “Anyway, this large massive guy comes into the cell and with 3 dice in his hand” Andy near a gut bust leans into me, “He only had one in my story.” Laughing as a form of struggle Pete carries on, “The big guy comes up to the little geezer and looks him square in the eye. ‘If you roll a six, I’m gonna fuck you in the ass. NOW ROLL.’” Pete gives a “we’re almost there” kind of laugh and grin. Andy strikes out of turn laughter in his heart “I never said anything about ass fucking.” “So the little geezer, says” Pete adds the finishing touches, “What happens if I don’t roll a six? The big guys says” and Pete is now looking me square in the eyes and with malice in his tone for effect, “You roll again.” And that’s when the puff, beers and joviality of our state causes us to lose our shit. We’re all doubled over and once we’re close back to composure, Andy leans to me and says about his friend of 50ish years, “What a cunt.”
-Vincent Martinez
Newport Beach
